today and every day
This morning I was standing in a line outside of a lab office. There were eight of us there before the office even opened to try to get seen before the rush of the days appointments would stream in. I was the fifth to arrive behind two elderly chatty men and two others who sat in silence looking at their phones. After a few minutes of standing there, having not really payed attention to what the two men were talking about, I heard one of the men say to the other, “thank you for this conversation this morning, I’ve spent many hours here in silence waiting to be seen and it was nice to connect with someone today.”
This moment brought a smile to my face...I felt happiness for the man who shared that statement and I felt a sense of awe and gratitude for the other man for showing up for him this morning. It reminded me that we never really know what someone else is going through or what a smile or quick connection can do to turn someone’s day around. It reminded me to not only be grateful for the loved ones I do connect with on a daily basis, but to remember to extend some energy to those I may not know personally when I can.
This moment led me to remember an entry I wrote back in October on World Mental Health Day. I remember writing with the intention to start my blog up again and then somehow in the midst of me feeling really sick and also very overwhelmed at the time, I didn’t find the perseverance to actually post it and share. I’m sharing it today though. I find it incredibly relevant and hope it can help open someone’s eyes to new possibilities and maybe new forms of gratitude this holiday season.
Here we go:
Today is World Mental Health Day. A day to bring to the surface the normalcy and openness that should always be around this topic of mental health. For each of us, our story will differ. Maybe there were harder times in the past, or you’re currently facing your biggest struggle yet. For me, it’s been a wavy ride. Lots and lots of high waves and quite a few very low waves and now this current wave that’s like nothing I’ve ever faced before. Since finding out that I’m pregnant, my whole world has changed. The control I once felt I had over some aspects of my body and mind feel as if they’ve been taken from me and thrown to the baby wolves. I’ve felt like I’ve been spinning trying to find a normalcy within myself that’s been completely lost. My mental state has totally and completely been challenged and altered. I know this little being inside of me is a gift…one that has been placed in front of me as the start of the greatest ride I’ll take in my lifetime. But even though I know that in my brain, it doesn’t take away my all day long nausea and discomfort and disconnection to the body I once felt so connected to and with a solid amount of control over. Now what I feel is stress and anxiety and worry and discomfort most of the day, and then these rare surges of excitement and joy…which don’t last as long as I’d like them to. I feel frustrated with myself most days for not having “planned” this perfectly, for not having been totally “ready”, for not feeling only joy and ease and peace. I’ve been hard on myself. I’ve made choices not to indulge in the self-care I have been learning about and practicing for some time now. No meditation. No yoga. Rare exercise. Very little writing. Less and less sharing. I’ve felt more unlike myself than ever before. Even as I write this, my nausea is just totally consuming my brain. It feels like there’s a bowl of acid in my stomach which is now a washing machine on high.
Today my mental health is different than it was a month ago or five years ago. Our mental health is a constant work in progress. Some days we feel and think and act positively and courageously and the very next we feel beaten down and negative and overwhelmed. Any state you’re in right now—it’s ok. When all things are going right and the stars seem to be in perfect alignment that is a-okay. And when the day seems to be falling apart and the tears won’t stop coming that is a-okay too. Our world is an ever morphing experience of constant change. Change. It’s the one true constant in life. Today is a day that reminds me of the significance of so many high and low points in the last ten years of my life. I met with my first psychologist at 22. When I was feeling lost and I was physically injured and having a hard time recognizing myself. That meeting led me on a journey of unraveling the layers of my mental state and of the possibilities of my own brain. It is my belief that we are meant to support one another on our life’s journeys. My struggles have come to help others on their journeys just as others have been saving graces for me many a time. We are all living and learning and doing our best. To me, mental health is a daily topic…It’s something so totally normal for me to talk about and read about and think about. It’s a huge part of each and every one of us. Although my mental state isn’t exactly where I would love for it to be right now, I do know that this part of my experience is teaching me more about myself, my capabilities, and it’s showing me what’s possible. The lows allow us to appreciate the highs on a much more pure level. This sickening feeling that I have in my stomach all day long has me remembering and appreciating what my “normal” was before this pregnancy. The normalcy of not noticing that my stomach is even there unless I was hungry… It’s something I didn’t even know I was taking for granted until this experience.
We don’t know how great we have something until we experience its opposite. This is a reminder for those of us that are in something difficult today. We need to be in the space we’re in to uplevel to the new space of truly appreciating what we then have with greater understanding and awareness.
“Without suffering you cannot grow. Without suffering, you cannot get the peace and joy you deserve. Please don’t run away from your suffering. Embrace it and cherish it.” Thich Nhat Hanh
Writing is healing for me. When I allow the words to flow and to come with no second thought…This is one of my forms of healing and self-care. What is one of yours?
I hope this encourages you to be a little kinder to yourself today, and kinder to the stranger you pass on the street today or stand in line with at the grocery store.
It’s been a tough season for a lot of people, for a lot of businesses, for families...for our race, for our world. It’s been a challenging year. Now more than ever it’s worth our energy to spend some time thinking about and remembering what we are grateful for. What good things we have in our lives surrounding us or being offered to us in every passing moment.
And remember that if you or someone you love is in a low spot, either connecting with someone and sharing or offering an ear to someone can be just the thing needed in that moment.
In the spirit of connection and of gracing ourselves with compassion when we aren’t in our highest moment…
I wish you a day with kindness and gratitude
Love, Carli