decision making

As an adult, the older we grow, the more important decisions we have to make. We become responsible for our own life at some point in time…we go from the safety and comfort of mom/dad/parent/guardian making decisions for us to -OK- now it’s your turn. Your time to do things the way you think is right. There are times that making decisions is really challenging for me. Especially when there’s other people involved. I tend to be that person that defers the decision making to someone else so that I don’t have to feel responsible for anyone else being unhappy with what we’re eating or where we’re going or the activity for the day. I tend to just roll with the flow…do what others are feeling they want to do. And when it comes to me making decisions for my own self…it may be a tad easier but it still isn’t the most smooth of processes. I think. I worry. I weigh the options. I write lists. I compare lists. I imagine outcomes. I think more. And then I make a decision and tend to worry it’s the wrong one. It’s exhausting. And comical sometimes.

There are days I drive Riley mad. He asks me what I want for dinner and I say what I want but then we get ready to go and I mention another place that sounds good and I ask him his opinion and he says that’s fine too and then I bounce back to my first option and then I remember we have some leftovers in the fridge and then say maybe we should just stay in and then he’s annoyed and I’m stuck and we’re back to square one.

I’m not 100% sure where this comes from but I have a pretty good idea.

Growing up I was the youngest in the house. I observed a lot. Everyone else got to do things before I did, they were older, able, I looked up to everyone. I was the daughter that never wanted to do anything wrong or upset anyone. I wanted peace between all. I wanted everyone to be ok. So I tried to be perfect. I tried not to ask for too much or do anything wrong or complain when something wasn’t exactly the way I wanted it to be. It could be that through that morphed this veil of uncertainty around the things I truly wanted and the things I thought I should want so that others would be ok and happy with me. 

It’s become a constant internal battle of mine. A stressor. Is everyone else ok? Then I’ll be ok too.

As I embrace this whole pregnancy experience I see the damage I’ve created within myself. Now I’m in a position where I am literally growing a new life inside of my body and every decision I make affects this little being. What I do, where I eat, when I sleep, how I exercise. All of it affects me and it affects this baby’s growth. 

So here’s what my current reality looks like…I have this list of things I feel I need “to-do”…it’s kind of long and it mostly has to do with pregnancy related things. There are decisions I need to make, plans I need to decide on, calls to be made etc. And how does this work for someone who is used to kind of just doing what others want to do? It’s malfunctioning. Because what used to just affect me now affects this baby and this baby cannot tell me what he/she wants me to do. So it’s really up to me now. All of these decisions I need to make are my own to figure out. I hear from a lot of women that pregnancy is the best excuse for anything…I get to do whatever I want and it’s ok. If I forget something it makes sense cause I have “pregnancy brain”. If I don’t want to go somewhere it makes sense because I need to rest because I’m pregnant. If I don’t eat this or that it’s ok because I’ve felt sick for three months and that’s what being pregnant can do to you. 

So really…I should be feeling this ease and relief about making decisions now…because there’s kind of always this excuse for pregnant women. So why do I feel this way? This stress. This worry. Why do I spend so much time looking at the list and not taking action and crossing things off of it?

It’s fear. Fear that I’m not going to make the best choice. Fear that someone will judge my choice. Fear that I’ll let someone else down if I make that choice. Fear of the unknowns of making that choice…

And then there’s my awareness of myself creating this mess for myself and I get even more frustrated that I don’t have things figured out better. Why have I not felt totally at ease yet? Why is it still hard for me to decide where and what and whom and how? Decision making was always this difficult, abstract thing for me…but somehow its grown to be even more challenging. 

Writing about this today has me laughing at myself a bit. Like - why don’t I just make a change and do things differently and better!? Why can’t I just be more like those women in my life that do exactly what they want with no apologies? Why does everything always have to seem SO BIG?

As I write this I hope I will see very soon that making decisions will be like a new toy. I will figure it out and maybe even get excited about playing around with it because I’ll find some joy in this new way. 

I’m a believer in living your truth. Of being unapologetically true to who you are at your core. So is it hypocritical of me to say that I’ve struggled with making decisions in this process? It seems strange, a dynamic that doesn’t really match up. I’m not a huge fan of this being my reality right now. The good thing is I’ve laughed my way through writing this entry so thankfully it doesn’t feel as heavy as it did when I started it. As I find some comic relief in it I can see that there’s room here to not take myself so dang seriously all of the time.

So I guess what I’m seeing here is that I need to ask myself what I want and then make a decision from there that suits me and my needs and my wants. 

This challenge I must try.

There’s a baby brewing and I need to build my strength for the both of us. <3