to you, little one

A picture Riley took back in early November…

I wrote to the baby today. I started it while sitting in the drs office waiting for my appointment and I continued to write throughout my time there and some time afterwards as well. I actually started writing to this little being inside of me the night I found out I was pregnant back in early September in Italy. The times I sat down to write faded the worse I started to feel over those first few months. Lately I’ve been writing a little more. It feels good to write to her/him. I’ve also been asked and encouraged by a few other people to write this way…it’s been an uplifting process for me. I’ve learned that it’s ok if I’m not always writing only good things to this baby. Maybe one day we can read the entries together…maybe one day there will be lessons for both of us to talk about and connect over. I don’t know. But I do know that writing is still one of the activities that allows me to feel freedom and ease. and I love those feelings. 

To you… today

It’s hard to believe we’re halfway through…but here we are. It’s mid December, the 15th - I found out about you a little over three months ago - and had already been with you for over a month! This whole process has been CRAZY.

There are some things I still worry about daily…but honestly I can say I feel at least 80% better emotionally and physically than I was feeling one month ago. I don’t feel as sick…I don’t feel as worried…I don’t find myself thinking 90% of the time about how imperfect things are. I find myself a bit more settled, a bit more comfortable, and a bit more excited. The smell of fish doesn’t make me gag anymore, my stomach doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night anymore and take me hours to fall back asleep, and I haven’t spent an entire day on the couch feeling miserable since the end of October. What improvements! Yay!! Haha

Today I have your ultrasound anatomy scan. The one that’s supposed to tell me all these specifics about you. To measure your organs and your body and to see how your growth has been thus far. WHAT! I’m a little nervous because I don’t want to know your gender still so I have to make sure the technician knows that! Anyways…I’m excited and a bit nervous too.

I just saw you…I heard your heart beat and saw your face and your profile, your stomach and spine and you were waving to me…I just know it. It’s pretty surreal…I can’t believe we’re into our 20th week together. The technician said at one point “that’s a big fist!” Haha

I want to see what you will love. What you will choose to do…I’m so curious. I just want you to know that you can fill yourself up with love first. That you can be so kind to yourself and think all kinds of positive, loving things about yourself. I hope that message is received as you grow and develop in your lifetime. 

Being responsible for you makes my heart race a little. When I think about having to name you and choose what to call you…I feel this strange feeling I’ve never felt before. Like a permanence that seems very, very large and important. I want you to like your name of course…I want you to feel like your name is yours…but I also don’t want your name to limit you. Maybe I’m making it a bigger deal than it is…but for some reason this task seems like it’s going to be a big one.

A symptom I still have 24/7 that totally makes me uncomfortable is this excess gas movement up and down. It’s actually pretty uncomfortable so I’m going to ask the nurse today about some possible options. Maybe Tums or charcoal pills? We’ll see what she says. Another one is that when I start to feel hungry it quickly turns into a sickening feeling. It feels like a nauseous acid space similar to how I’ve felt in the past except now every time it happens I wonder if it’s you telling me that you’re hungry too. I wonder if the ache is so uncomfortable because taking care of you is supposed to be what I do in every moment now…so if I miss something or am later than normal to my next meal, you’re telling me. When I don’t eat for myself maybe I’ve learned to adjust to it…but when it comes to nourishing you my body definitely tells me something is not ok. So I brought some apple slices and peanut butter with me to get me through this appointment. It’s kind of hard to eat them in the office when we’re supposed to be wearing a mask at all times…but I have to eat at some point within this two hour slot or I feel too uncomfortable.  

The one thing that bums me out when I come to these appointments is that your dad can’t be with me. Since the pandemic started there are rules in medical offices where only the patient is allowed in…unless there’s a minor involved. I FaceTime him each time so he can see you and hear your heartbeat…but it still pains me a little that we can’t be together and really experience the moment in each others presence. 

There are these special moments that come when this feeling settles over me and I feel as if I know deep in my bones and my soul that I am meant to be your carrier. The reality of it totally surprises me sometimes still but there are these special times that it washes over me and I can’t help but smile. I remember thinking multiple times throughout my 20’s that having a baby may not be in my cards. Now I’m here, with you…

The Ups and Downs of pregnancy are teachings. The downs have taught me to greatly appreciate the ups and the ups have taught me that I can totally deal better with the downs. 

There’s always more to learn. 

There’s always something I didn’t know yet. 

I’m not perfect and that’s perfectly perfect. 

I’m going to make mistakes that I get to learn from - doesn’t mean I’ve failed. 

My body is going to change A LOT and learning to be ok with that is hard but it’s possible. 

Not working out isn’t the end of the world - it’s ok, it may even be what my body is in need of right now. 

It’s ok to have more fat all over my body - maybe it’s good, maybe it’s protecting you. 

Not following everyone else’s advice is ok too - choosing things based on what feels right to me is the way to go.

I just shared a video of your little profile with your Aunt Coral…and she told me she’s crying. Which made me cry. You are already sooooo incredibly loved, little one. We can’t believe you’re a tiny little human being in there.

I hope you’re comfy. I hope you feel the love I feel for you and not the worry. I hope you’re feeling satisfied and full. I hope you love your home for now. I hope you feel safe. I hope you feel goodness. 

I know I still have a lot to learn before you arrive…I know it’s not going to be a perfectly smooth ride from here on out - I just want you to know I’m doing my best and that I love you. I hope you feel that with your entire being. 

I just know you are going to be a special light in this world when you come.

I cannot wait to see you.