seasons of change
I sat down to write in my journal today and I felt a jumble surface. It was one of those times that the reason for the entry wasn’t clear right away. As I wrote it I continued to wonder if something would click and if I would have that moment of “oh yes, this is what I want to share” but it didn’t really happen. So what I think now is that this imperfection today showed me that I get to allow the stuff all around and within me to be there and for it to be ok if it doesn’t make perfect sense or feel perfect. Just let it flow and move it through.
A new year. One closing, one opening. A chapter ending, a chapter starting.
Life continues just the same.
Here we all are…together. At the end of a full year. The year 2020 may forever have an asterisk next to it. It’s a year of so much and at the same time very little.
This year, 2020, started in one way. With all of these hopes and aspirations. I remember sitting with Riley in my apartment in Turkey on New Years day doing what the new year brings with it - reflecting and planning…
We answered a few questions on our own and we each chose a word to represent the year. A word we wanted to embody and bring to fruition. I remember the word I chose. It was Courage. I don’t remember all of the specifics on why I chose that word, I have a journal entry and thoughts written down somewhere that would probably explain it all…but I do remember desiring to find the feeling place of courage in each aspect of my life.
Looking back on the year I’d say my courage game was strong sometimes…but there were other times it definitely lacked.
The cycle of a year seems long…it seems like there’s so much time in it to do more and accomplish more and to try new things. It’s a pattern of sorts that every new year brings with it this energy of hope and excitement and gusto. I remember that feeling last year. And some of the previous years too.
This year feels slightly different to me. I know this year has had its defining challenges, but I don’t feel that need for it to end like I hear other people say, I don’t feel like 2020 is bad or that when 2021 finally arrives everything will feel different than it has felt. I just think that its a place to possibly restart, or start or reset or to change. But even when the clock strikes midnight and those numbers change - life doesn’t necessarily change magically.
With no magic change it’s important for us to remember that our daily mindset is the potent piece to something new becoming something great. How we think about the closing of things and the starting of things can really make a difference. As we start the next year we get to choose our place in it. We can think back on what has happened and take with us what we want to. We get to use the lessons and the learnings if we want to. We get to think good things if we want to.
New Year or no New Year we have that choice every day. Every midnight we have a choice. This particular Thursday at midnight my hope is to let go of what I’ve held on to that has felt heavy or negative. I hope to remain kinder to myself on a more consistent basis and I hope to find gratitude in all the things so that life’s cycle can be appreciated more. Within this time of the new year I will likely journal and reflect and meditate like I have in the past, already knowing I will be doing it with a new lens around the possibilities of it. The reason for that is this new life within me. Through this pregnancy my understanding of life has become even more fragile and complicated and beautiful. The process of creation and life and living and dying and growing and changing is a true phenomenon. It blows my mind - it stops me - it shocks me- it stumps me. So this new year I may very well be starting it with the perspective of fragility at the forefront.
What we are actually all doing here is not clear to me…I deeply believe that we should do our best to do good and to be good and to spread good - but the underlying reason for our existence is a place of uncertainty for me. As I journey through this pregnancy I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to not have all of the answers and all of the best or perfect ways of doing things all of the time. For some reason the pressure that surfaces with pregnancy sometimes makes me feel like I should be wiser and know the answers to everything. The reality is that pregnancy is just another cycle in life, it’s a coming and going and a change just like all of the other things that come about in our existence.
With this new year approaching I’m trying my best to find calmness within my body and to truly feel the feeling space of love and care for the physical being I am. My body is doing a magical thing these days…and I want to allow myself to appreciate that.
I was hoping by the end of my writing I would feel like I had accomplished my task of finding what I wanted to share. I’m not sure it’s evidently clear still…but this is all I have today. I just want to leave you with a line of space. I hope that you take some time in these next few days to feel all of the things this last year has brought you and to sit with it. Allow yourself to reflect on it and be ok with it. When you move into the next year I hope you move into it with a sense of strength and self-appreciation. May that be your guiding light.