on vulnerability
Since the start of this blog I’ve been asked more and more often some form of this question: “what made you all of the sudden start sharing so much more? you’re being so vulnerable, what’s it like? why?”
So here’s going to be my attempt to lay out where all of this has come from…
I hope you enjoy
When I think back on my life, for the most part, for a lot of my life, I’ve been a rather open person. I’ve been vulnerable, I share what’s on my heart, I open up, I ask for advice, I have tough conversations - I’ve done all of it A LOT - but I was doing it in my comfort zone. With my best friend, or next to my sister or my parents, mostly one on one. In my circle I guess I’m known to be sensitive and open and “in touch” and transparent. Outside of it though, that’s been the danger zone I’m sure a lot of you can relate to.
What I’ve been sharing here on this platform recently are stories and pieces of me that I wasn’t talking about publicly before. In the past I would answer some questions in interviews and I talked about my injuries and tough losses and the challenges of the Olympic dream, but I didn’t really dive into my personal demons and internal challenges and traumas and such.
The older I get and the more I face and overcome, the more and more I find myself ok with my imperfections. In a true sense I think where this is all coming from is a space of comfort I’ve begun to cultivate for myself. As an athlete it’s a tough world out there when you aren’t performing at the top of your game or you’re being compared to other athletes or to an older version of yourself… so in large part I shied away from sharing the truly challenging stuff that went on behind the scenes. For a long time it felt easier that way because I didn’t want to be judged any more than I already was. If I wasn’t having the same sensational season I did the previous season or if I said something wrong or someone spun something or if I said too much…then how would this look to all of these people?”
Sometimes the less vulnerable road seems like the lesser of two evils.
Athletes, myself, we aren’t necessarily special by any means; life can be tough for every human being in differing ways. The athlete though has been viewed by society as the “strong one”, the one that overcomes the odds, the one that can persevere and make it; they’re the confident ones and the ones that have that “glory life” of playing the sport they love for a living. And also because of this I think many athletes choose not to share and show the world what truly goes on behind the playing field, the court, the track. Behind being the athlete.
Circling back to my reason for opening up more and more - it’s because I feel it’s necessary. I feel called to do it.
For so long I struggled with stuff but I didn’t want others to know. That place of vulnerability can be scary, especially when you happen to be in a place where lots of people see what you’re doing. What choices you’re making. How your life is unfolding…
When I started to share bits and pieces though I realized that the worst of it wasn’t as bad as the story I was conjuring up in my head. I realized it was actually helping people. Sure some people had responses that were less than ideal… but for the most part the feedback was good. It was making the world a little better. I was seeing that if I would just speak my truth and show up fully in these spaces then other people could learn and feel better afterwards too; it was worth it.
So the magical thing about my story is that I’ve had this incredible circle all along - filled with my mom and my uncle and my sister and my brother and my cousin and my grandparents. They have loved and supported me through and through. For real. My family is legit amazing. But even with this incredible foundation of strength and love and support, I still managed to struggle HARD with myself, my thoughts, my self-confidence, my body image, not feeling good enough, comparisons. The list goes on…
I struggled with different things at different times, and I still do - the change is that now I ask for help more and I talk about my struggles more and I am comfortable knowing that being vulnerable and imperfect is a normal part of being a human being. and an athlete.
For me, life’s mostly about growing and loving and learning and sharing and helping and connecting and finding joy. I’m on this ride and I’m trying things and failing at things and I’m learning and growing from them. The more I touch this vulnerable street the more I realize it’s ok to walk it and navigate it. I find myself learning that what I’ve faced and overcome can serve for good when I can share it with someone and they know immediately they aren’t alone; that someone else has walked the same path and survived it and actually has something positive or useful to say about it. When we see that there’s someone else out there that has been there before and made it through, it’s helpful. i’ve cried long hours. been wrong. been jealous and worried whether i’m enough or not. made mistakes. been cut from rosters and tried again and cut again and tried again and told i’m still not good enough again. faced near career ending injuries. endured a time of depression that seemed like the darkest place on earth. been through hours on hours of counseling. wished i could change many things about my body.
And here I am. Still a human being with a heart and a head and so many thoughts, just learning and growing, and finding myself more comfortable talking about it.
Vulnerability is still scary. I still get nervous when I share. I still wonder what someone else might think or if I’ll be judged - but then I get connected to the why of it. To my truth. And I know that if I can share my stories and they can help others walk their paths a little straighter, then the share is so totally worth that feeling of fear.
So I’ll continue to try and to answer your questions and to show up for you the best way I can. Knowing I may not have the answer for you, but I will share my version of life if it can help with yours.
This quote I read in a book awhile back really stuck with me. I had it written in the notes on my phone for years afterwards… I feel it might work here too…
“It’s not that God, the environment, and other people cannot help us to be happy or find satisfaction. It’s just that our happiness, satisfaction, and our understanding, even of God, will be no deeper than our capacity to know ourselves inwardly, to encounter the outer world from the deep comfort that comes from being at home in one’s own skin, from an intimate familiarity with the ways of one’s own mind and body.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn
Here’s to our abilities of being vulnerable, to overcoming things and sharing them with the world and to our own inner growth and walking our own paths with open hearts and vulnerable streets along the entire way…