the doors vulnerability can open

The doors vulnerability can open

Last week I shared a blog that made me feel deeply exposed and raw. Those feelings of worry and fear creeped up as I neared the moment of submitting it…I didn’t like the idea of what possible bad vibes and thoughts could come from sharing such presumably negative thoughts and feelings around something that is supposed to be one of the most beautiful things in the world. 

Here, one week later, I’m feeling pretty dang good about having all of that out there in the world. The truth. Not only have I felt more supported and more loved than I did before, I also feel more connected and understood than I thought possible in a time like this. The vulnerability I exposed opened a doorway for numerous women to reach out and share their stories and experiences with me. Saying things like:

“I remember the guilt I felt. The heaviness of it all. It’s real. It’s normal. You are not alone.”

“Pregnancy is unpredictable. Birth is unpredictable. Being a mom is unpredictable…Unpredictable and hard. It’s ok to feel unprepared.”

“The way I was supposed to feel was very distant to how I felt and it scared me.” 

As I read through each story and responded I felt a shift in my being. I started to see the imperfection of it as a joint experience instead of a lone one full of pressures and expectations. Each day I saw more and more strength in the women around me. I started to see every story for what it was - an experience not exactly within a woman’s control. 

I spoke with my mom about it a couple of days go…I’ve talked with her a lot over the last few weeks but this conversation really got me thinking. She had told me she read my blog…shared a few thoughts…and then went on to say “I always thought you would have such an easy and beautiful pregnancy experience.”

Me: “So. Did. I.”

Expectations. Expectations as a human being can be a pretty dangerous thing sometimes…but they are also such a natural thing too. We wake up expecting to have air to breathe. We go to the shower expecting the hot water to run. We get in our cars expecting them to start and get us to work. We call our friends expecting some advice on our latest dilemma.

If you are one of the people who doesn’t live largely in expectation…GREAT. Share your wisdom with us, we can all use more guidance on how to live a life more in flow and allowing. If my expectations for what my pregnancy would be like hadn’t been so high I truly believe this whole experience would have been a lot easier to manage. My biggest problem has been the pressure I’ve put on myself every day for wishing and wanting and even needing it to look and feel a certain way. 

So my mom and I…we kind of laughed about it. She shared with me that her expectation of what my pregnancy would look like came from her own story. Overall all three of hers were pretty easy…very few mornings of a couple minutes of nausea and the rest of the time she felt good. My best friends pregnancy was magical…she felt great, looked great, and shortly after her beautiful baby boy was born she told me she couldn’t wait to be pregnant again. 

So naturally I had thought my pregnancy would be a fairytale-like story too. But why??? I should have known better than to expect. After all these years as an athlete…I should have known better. Of course it’s all good to hope and work towards what we want…but just straight up “expecting it to be”…now that’s not the best line of offense. 

This week I have focused more on letting go of the “should be’s” and the perfectionist wishes. Instead I’ve been trying to settle in to not having the answers, letting life and this experience unfold the way it will, and allowing myself to feel and acknowledge every single moment of this experience with less judgement. 

When we open ourselves up and share our truth with the world…it leads us to new possibilities. New connections, new conversations, new life lessons. This last week, through sharing my story and my imperfection, I have learned that there are so many strong, beautiful, courageous women out there that have done this before me and are showing me that all of what I’m experiencing is ok and I will get through it.

I feel stronger today than I did one week ago. I didn’t find this strength alone.

I’ve thanked a lot of people this week. Each woman’s story giving me a little more hope, a little more room, and a little more of the mindset shift I’ve been so desperately in need of.

I encourage you to be honest with yourself today. Allow yourself to be human and make mistakes and learn from them, or share a vulnerable thought with someone and face the aftermath no matter what it may be. Our world needs more realness in it. It needs more authentic connection. It needs more love and support and truth. 

<3 

Three of the best moms and examples in my life <3