this is pregnancy

13 weeks

It’s been two months since I’ve been here. Two months since I’ve written something I felt the desire to share. These last two months have been…there is no one word to summarize. They’ve been more than what I thought I could ever handle.

The only thing I feel I can write about today is how I’ve been feeling. What this experience has been like. How being pregnant has altered my reality. There are a few things at play here that have been challenging…to write about them may get confusing but I’m still going to try.

Since I was 15 years old I remember having an excitement in me when I thought about being pregnant and having a baby. I remember thinking “at age 23 I will for sure be a mom”. Where that number came from I don’t know… but I still remember feeling and believing that the journey of pregnancy would be nothing short of perfection and bliss and joy. Although it’s hard for me to admit this to myself and even more to any human being outside of myself...this pregnancy has totally rocked my world in what seems like all the wrong ways. 

Every day I want to wake up and feel that excitement and joy and bliss… I want to sit in ecstasy for what marvelous thing is happening inside of me…I want to feel the glow and the super woman feelings I’ve heard so many other women talk about. I want the goodness. I want the confidence. I want the ease…I want……. But what I actually have is not any of that. Instead, I have feelings of uncertainty, nauseousness all day long, discomfort, rejection towards the changes I’m seeing in my body, sadness for not feeling better, anger towards myself for not having all of my shit together, and confusion as I see all of the things I was so accustomed to in my life slowly fading away. I’ve been in this space of stagnancy…wondering when I will wake up and have everything go back to how it was before. Well not entirely…I know that there’s a permanent change going on but what I’ve been waiting for is that feeling that I’m ok and I’m going to be ok and I’m happy and at peace and where I’m supposed to be. That moment hasn’t arrived. I woke up this morning with the same sick feeling in my stomach, the same acid-like washing machine telling me I don’t feel well, the same air moving all around inside my body coming out both of my ends, the same discomfort. And that discomfort in my body these last two months has really taken a toll on my mind. I feel semi-crazy. I feel disconnected from myself. This is all so overwhelming still. 

Yesterday a wise little angel soul brought something to my attention…she said “what if this is just your preparation? You’re going to have a baby soon…and this new being in your life will not be yours to control…you won’t be able to force this baby to sleep or eat or do things your way. So maybe now, all this that you’re experiencing, is to show you that you don’t have control and that’s ok. This is how life is going to be from now on.” Well hot damn. As I sat and listened to her I knew there was so much truth in her words. She was right. I am just in the beginning stage of the rest of my life. One with a little less control than I had before. Or maybe the illusion I always thought I had is just totally showing me that I was always never where I thought I was. 

So this morning when I woke up I didn’t exactly thank my nausea and my discomfort- but I do see it in a little bit of a different light now. It’s my preparation. I see it as something I can handle. Something I can and will accept. Whether it makes sense or not…it is here to help me. 

I thought being pregnant was going to be a certain way. I thought it was going to be full of butterflies and rainbows and beauty and grace. I was wrong. My pregnancy so far has been non of that. And for a lot of days I was so not ok with how I’ve been feeling about it. I’ve been ashamed to admit it. I’ve only shared my discomfort in my safe places. Well today I’ve realized that I do not have to have a perfect pregnancy. I do not have to have it all right. I am not super woman and I never will be. It’s ok that I feel sad and cry more. It’s ok that I spend days getting off of the couch just to pee. It’s ok that I’m not eating the perfectly balanced and colorful diet. It’s ok. It’s all ok. Pregnancy is a goddamn miracle…there’s no doubt about that. But not every pregnancy brings with it rainbows and butterflies and goodness. I am one of those stories. I am one of the ones that says having another baby is an absolute NO WAY JOSE. I don’t want to experience this again..that’s my truth right now. I cannot imagine doing this over again. I was ashamed to admit that as my truth for awhile…but now I see that if it’s how I feel right now then that’s what it is and I kind of need to be ok with it. When I voice this to Riley he has the absolute best responses. He hugs me and looks me in the eyes and tells me the hard ride is almost over. He won’t let me stay convinced that I can’t do this again. He believes this is our first and there will be another in our future. Riley… this man has been my saving grace. It’s pretty comical that I thought I would be ready and happy and calm in pregnancy. I thought I would have it all together and figured out. Ha. No. That’s not me. That’s actually Riley. He’s the one that’s been calm and confident and positive and grounded. He’s the one that’s kept us sane and connected and on the right path. He’s a freaking Angel…that’s what he is. From the moment I called him on FaceTime thousands of miles away to tell him the news that I was 6 weeks pregnant - he has been nothing but smiles and excitement and love. Riley sees perfection in all of this. As I’ve worried and stressed and been consumed by all of the “should be’s and should have’s” Riley has stayed grounded and convinced that our story is the greatest story. That this spontaneous surprise is exactly the way our story is meant to be. That it’s beautiful and sweet. He loves it. Slowly but surely he is showing me that I can love it too. We don’t have to have it all figured out right now to raise this little being we’ve created together. We can do it in our own way, with our own story as the path and making it our own is the best possible thing we can do. With love as our foundation we will always do our best…we will do the best we can. 

What this entry has become I don’t really know. Maybe the theme is to remember to work on acceptance. Maybe the theme is the power of teamwork and partnership. Maybe the theme is being ok when nothing seems to be ok, and when what you thought would be is no longer in the cards you see it as a form of preparation for what’s to come rather than the negativity that naturally wants to come forth. 

I wasn’t sure I would share this entry on my blog today. I wasn’t sure I would be able to find the will and the strength to do it. But there’s this part of me that knows if I were to show up fully right now I would have to write about the hard parts of this experience because that’s what I’ve been sitting in the most recently. 

So here I am. Fully exposed and putting this out there…because when I was sharing with you in the past it felt good. It felt good to create. To write. To connect. And I’ve been missing that. 

I hope you’ve been well. I’m sealing this with love and light for all of you showing up here today. 

Thank you 

Carli