37 weeks of you

Writing to you, little one.

I’ve had many thoughts lately around how I haven’t written to you consistently throughout this pregnancy. I’ve thought about it and stressed at times…wishing I had some sort of beautiful journal put together for you. Reality is - I don’t have it. Reality is - it’s all ok.

I’m 37 weeks now…you’re basically a full-term baby at this point and could come any day. I’ve been experiencing some Braxton Hicks contractions…for awhile I didn’t know what they were exactly but your dad sat with me while a few of them happened this afternoon and he really thinks that’s what they are. It’s kinda a strange sensation. Some of them my upper belly area gets really hard and in a weird boxy shape for like 30 seconds and then my belly softens again.  Other times my entire belly gets rock hard and I feel a little nauseous and then it subsides. Not painful…but not exactly comfortable either.

The past week a lots gone on to make this whole thing be much more REAL. We celebrated you coming with a beautiful little baby shower at your Rella’s house. Your Auntie Kourt and Auntie Dragon hosted it for you and your Nana D flew in from Hawaii too. It was beautiful. You are already so loved by so many incredible people. You are going to see it with your own eyes soon enough.

One of the things I’ve experienced a lot lately are conversations with other moms about pregnancy things and labor things. A lot of times the conversation leads to moments of deep vulnerability about just how tough moments can be during pregnancy. How women are faced with big real-time challenges and how there’s no manual out there for the best way to handle what comes up. Whether it’s physical, mental, emotional etc. A lot of times the advice you hear or you want to give is to trust your intuition and just do the best you can and Don’t Stress. All great little nuggets…not necessarily “easy” to adopt all of the time though. 

Your dad is the main reason I’m able to stay the course in a semi-sane way. His confidence and groundedness in all of this is truly the most precious gift and it’s really hard to imagine where I would be without him right here by my side. Thankfully we are both here for you and doing our best for you each and every moment of every day. 

We’re getting stuff organized in our apartment for you and checking things off the “to-do” list…but feeling prepared for you doesn’t seem really truly possible. Another thing I hear a lot - you will never feel truly prepared…no reason to try and attain that feeling. HA! I still find myself trying. It’s hard to let go of that feeling of need I have to make everything perfect and flowing and easy. I haven’t found the answer, as much as I want to feel totally in control and at ease - I stress or worry or overthink a little bit every day still.

I think that as a woman who is pregnant and has been an athlete for so long I find myself in this challenging space where “I should be able to handle all of this with more ease.” It’s like the moments during a match where things are tough and you have to take deep breaths and reset and use your tools to refocus and recenter yourself so that you can get present and bring your best self to the next play. It’s like that…only it’s every day, every moment, everywhere. So maybe I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself because that’s been my norm for so many years…new lesson for me today. 

Being pregnant has been one long challenging match for me. Physically, mentally. The whole bit.

I do think it’s prepping me for when you arrive though. I do believe we are going through this for good reason.

What I want most is for you to be born healthy. Your Rella thinks it would be best if you’re a big baby, around 10lbs…that’s how big your Auntie and Uncle and I were when we were born. Big babies. Each right around 10lbs.

I feel myself rambling a little…this one being kind of all over the place. I’ve felt you move quite a bit while writing this…maybe you feel the sunshine through my tank top, or maybe you know I’m sitting here just fully absorbed in this experience with you.

I wonder if pregnancy will always feel hard to me… The truth is that it is still hard for me to admit that when I’m asked about the whole journey. It’s not easy to say that this hasn’t been just a beautiful, magical ride. As much as I wish that could have been the case…it wasn’t.

But I do find moments to love my body this way. I do find moments to just sit with my hands wrapped around my belly and ponder this crazy phenomenon of creating a new life form. I do laugh at myself and find humor even when it feels like things couldn’t be tougher. I do sit in wonder about who you are and what your physical body looks like and your soul…I wonder.

If I could have given myself advice from the get go about this process it would have been to be easier on myself. I would have made myself fully accept and absorb those words from all those strong, brave humans that told me to be kinder to myself and not try to control it all the way that major part of me wanted to. 

I would have reminded myself to focus on all of the good parts way more than focusing on the bad or hard parts. I would have reminded myself early on that nothing is permanent and what we are going through is our own unique, special story. Nobody else has to approve of it or love it. Well…maybe your Dad - but that’s it. 

I love you, little one. I know that you can feel me right now. I know you are probably already far more in-tune than what seems possible. 

Thank you for enduring me this long…for not trying to come out too early. Thank you for giving me all of these experiences - all of the ups and all of the downs and the in-betweens.

We cannot wait to meet you.