partnership

Partnership

I’ve been thinking about this specific topic quite a lot lately. About partnership, relationship, sharing your life with another person…raising another human with a partner. I’m pretty sure the main reason it’s on my mind so much is DUH (because I’m about to birth a baby) but actually it’s more because of recent conversations I’ve been having and how much I’ve learned about what being in a healthy relationship actually feels like. The relationship Riley and I have grown to have makes me reflect a lot on where I’ve been and how far we’ve come and on what’s possible. I hope that by diving in and writing this out I’m able to relay and share some goodness and helpful insight out into the world.

It’s rather obvious to me that it’s in our human nature to want to connect with other humans. The levels may differ, the degrees not always the same…but in general we are all seeking connection to some capacity. When it comes to romantic involvement with a partner it seems to be pretty common to go through quite a bit of heartache and pain and growth before we find ourselves in a relationship that truly brings out the best in us. Which I believe is of utmost importance in a partnership. Finding someone that encourages you to be all of yourself and brings out the best in you.

It’s not easy to find this sort of relationship…from my own experience navigating a lot of different types of relationships, it’s very clear to me now that finding someone who truly compliments the truth of you is no simple task. 

Here I find myself reflecting on what Riley and I have done to get to where we are. We didn’t always communicate so openly, we didn’t always avoid complete meltdowns, we didn’t always have space to say “I’m sorry” first, we didn’t always allow the other person to communicate exactly what was on their mind without taking offense to it and starting an argument. We’ve learned over time how to be better for one another…we learned from our past relationships and from each other. We keep learning…every single day.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is how important it is for me to communicate exactly what I feel I need from him. As much as I wish he could read my mind at times and just do what I’d like him to do…I have to remember that voicing my needs/wants is key for both of us to be truly happy. After a healthy amount of conversations with other females in my life, I’ve learned that this is quite common when you’re in a relationship with a male counterpart. Things need to be clear and concise. Pretty much spelled out and drawn out. Let’s just say I’ve become a way better speller and an excellent artist over the past few years. :)

Far too often I see incredible individuals tied down in a partnership that is not elevating their true soul. One that limits them or makes them question their worth. This is the absolute NO. The focus should be on finding a partner that brings out the best in us, that encourages our truth and respects us through our challenges and one that is open to adapting things to make the relationship the priority. We deserve to be seen, and loved, and valued and respected.

I think that to find someone who compliments us and who brings out the best in us we have to go through some sort of a process. We meet people, we date, we marry…we learn through all of these experiences what it is that truly feels good and right to us. It’s hard to go through breakups and to navigate through heartache but we learn some of our greatest lessons at those times. About ourselves and what kind of growth we still need to go through, and about what kinds of qualities we need in our partner to be able to embrace all of ourself as well as have space for that other person to be all of themselves too. 

One thing I overlooked for a long, long time was this idea of loving myself first. For many years I looked to someone else to remind me if I was worthy of love or if I was enough. I dealt with deep seated feelings of jealousy and worry and doubts the majority of the time and it always led to major problems in my relationship with my significant other. Deep diving into my relationship with myself is the best thing I could have ever done at the time I did it. That journey started shortly before I met Riley. It came at just the right time. After that experience I was able to enter this relationship from an inner-secure and emotionally-mature place…a place I hadn’t known before. When previous habitual patterns would pop up I was aware of them which helped…but then there was Riley to help guide me through it too. Not to solve it for me…but to support me through it.

Learning to love and value ourselves before asking another human being to may be the first piece of advice I would give to someone looking to find a partnership that will thrive.

There is one other piece to this puzzle that I’ve learned makes a world of difference. That piece is this very common yet very delicate idea of trusting. If we don’t trust and believe in our partner, then what does that truly tell us of the strength and durability of the partnership? I’ve struggled with trusting my entire life. It was one of the common defeating factors of every single relationship I was in throughout my teens and twenties. I struggled to put my trust in my partner. I struggled to let my guard down. I struggled to give someone else the reins to my own heart. After years of counseling and diving into the depths of myself I learned where it all stemmed from and began working on it.

Thankfully Riley showed up in my life and helped guide me into seeing that trusting another person was in the cards for me. Early on it wasn’t easy for us, but I remember one day mid-breakdown, he looked at me and said “the only way this is going to work is if you put your trust in me and in us and give me the power to hurt you”. That moment was pivotal for us. It wasn’t an immediate change...my habitual ways of thinking and acting didn’t disappear overnight - but over time, with his patience and my practice we came out on the other side of it. When we allow ourselves to let go and believe and trust in someone, that’s the real moment of power. Therin lies the gift. It is the most freeing feeling in the world. 

I think there’s this healthy balance between working on the relationship to make it better and allowing the relationship to evolve naturally. A lot of times I hear that relationships are hard and it takes so much work almost to the point of exhaustion…Although I believe we do need to put in time and effort to make things work better with our counterparts I do not think it has to be exhausting or defeating. If those are present feelings then I think the relationship is either probably being forced in some way or there’s a lack of clear communication.

I’ve been wanting to write about this topic lately because I find myself sitting deep in gratitude for what Riley and I have together. With this baby on the way real soon there is no better partner I could imagine raising this little being with.

If I could wish some things for all the individuals out there in some sort of relationship struggle…it would be to have a deep seated love and respect for him/herself, the ability to communicate openly and honestly - shed light on their truth, and to feel the freedom of trusting with their whole heart.

There’s no “one right way” or “one perfect story” out there to go by. There’s just our experiences and our perspectives and our lessons to go by. The greatest pain we face can oftentimes be our greatest space to learn from.

This feeling I have that I WANT to be better for Riley every day - this feeling tells me I am where I’m supposed to be. I want to gain strength where I’m weak, and find more patience when I’m angry, and communicate deeper when I’m misunderstood, and love him more when things aren’t perfect or easy. 

My hope today is that this sparks a thought to help you on your journey or in the least encourages you to expand what is truly possible for you. 

With love,

Carli