this body of mine
How my body has worked for me when asked vs how my body is doing what it knows how to do without a single request.
Pregnancy vs Training.
Pregnancy vs Trying.
Pregnancy vs Repetitions.
Pregnancy vs Learning.
Throughout my pregnancy I’ve faced quite a few low points that really pushed my limits emotionally. I’ve battled this strange sense of purposelessness quite often which was hard to face, especially in the midst of knowing my body was quite possibly serving the greatest purpose it has yet served. Growing another human being!? Time and time again this crazy phenomenon floors me when I let my mind wander into the depths of what my body is truly capable of.
In the past, for the majority of the days I’ve been in this body, I would push it to it’s limits. I had plans and goals of achieving something “great” on the volleyball court. I worked out hard, I did extra reps, I went in early, I did what needed to be done day after day because I knew it took hard work, and diligence and dedication and lots of intentional training to rise up to that place at the top. To be able to perform at the highest level and to go for championship titles and to be named the “best” at something - my body needed to be prepared for it.
As athletes we learn to push our bodies over and over and over again because we know what it takes to get to where we want to be. My body has been my safe space. That one thing I knew so well that I felt totally comfortable pushing to it’s limits. My body has been my home for 31 years. It’s served as a vehicle for me to pursue my passions as a volleyball player for over 20 of those years. It’s been beat up and put to the test and asked for more time and time again.
These last 8 months have been different for my body. My body is simply doing things that it knows how to do on it’s own. My body has grown in places it wasn’t before. It’s expanding and adjusting and providing all these essential things to this little growing human being inside of me. And the difference between sport and pregnancy - I’ve asked my body to do none of it. It wasn’t by request or by training or by repetition or by teaching or by patterning. This process happened without a single thought or a single ask of it. As much as this is beautiful and phenomenal and incredible…its been challenging for me too. To relinquish all sorts of control I thought I had over this physical home of mine. Of course we hear and see women go through pregnancy every day - but to go through it myself, in my own body. Holy Heck - this is something I was not prepared for in the slightest.
So often throughout the last 8 months I felt more as if my body was not my own. I spent days judging it and worrying about the growth in it and being uneasy about how it was changing. Through pregnancy each and every body transforms differently. On some days my thoughts would consume me “how will my body recover from this?” “will I get my strength and my speed back to how it was before?” “will I lose the extra cellulite and fat that has formed around my thighs and my butt?” “will my hips ever stop aching?”
All these things seem to be so far out of my control still…because my body is just doing what it knows to do. Maybe before I didn’t exactly have control of it either - but I sure felt more in control than I have as of late.
I think one of the greatest challenges in pregnancy is to learn acceptance and adaptation to change. Accepting that things may forever be different for my body and adapting to those changes will be a new norm for me.
Through this final leg of pregnancy I’m consciously trying my best to just love and accept myself where I am. It’s far more taxing emotionally, mentally and physically to resist what’s changing or to wish something to go differently. Instead I’m finding that allowing the discomfort to be there, to witness it but not attach myself to it is far more beneficial. Here we are body - I’ve asked a ton of you over the years, now I see you doing miraculous things all on your own. I have a lot of gratitude in me for this healthy home of mine.
Literally the entire time I’ve been writing this blog the baby has been in motion. It feels kind of like the baby is trying to walk around and each step slides over my stomach. Not the greatest sensation but not the most uncomfortable I’ve felt either!
Sometimes I wonder how I will feel to look back on these journal entries and read how I was feeling during this whole process. I wonder if by that time I will have absolutely no judgement towards myself…I wonder if it will all makes sense when I look back on it.
If you’re an athlete and you’re asking your body to do more and get better and stronger and faster every day, I encourage you to add some loving kindness in there too. To thank it for the work it’s doing for you. And if you’re a woman in pregnancy watching your body do things without a single request - I hope you have more strength and wisdom than I’ve had and you see the entire process as one of pure magic and admiration. I hope you love the changes and you embrace them with open arms and kind thoughts.
It may be a roller coaster of emotions for me but I’m working on it being more good than harsh and more accepting than resisting. I’m learning. And growing. And being honest with myself through it all - as always.
With love,
Carli
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