as women as athletes as mothers

my story

I’ve never really spoken out about women’s rights. When asked in the past if I had any stories, I remember saying that I never had any personal experience feeling oppressed or being affected by the differences in men vs women in the athletic world. I think part of the reason why I would respond like this is because I never wanted to make it any bigger than it already was, I didn’t want to add energy to the topic. This stance, I also took back in September in Italy when I found out I was pregnant while training and under contract with my professional club team. It was a surprise for us, we weren’t trying to get pregnant…we wanted to wait at least two more years so that I could play a couple more overseas seasons before putting my body through the greatest change it will endure - but that plan obviously didn’t play out. 

The gift of our first child was already with me and I had no idea as I flew to Italy, trained double days and got ready for my tenth professional season to get started. Yesterday, as I woke up to positive messages and so many people recognizing International Women’s Day for the beautiful thing that it is, I had all kinds of feelings come over me. I feel as if I was seeing women and our place in the world from an entirely different light. I have this incredible new found respect and admiration for all females, for the ways our bodies work and the changes we face and go through to bring new life into the world, for the inevitable change of working to balance motherhood and career and personal growth. Along with all of the good feelings and thoughts, I sadly felt waves of pain and embarrassment come over me - taking me back to Italy and the entire experience I endured as I navigated this very sensitive reality we women athletes face. 

Since finding out I was pregnant in September my whole entire world has changed. The steps I took at the time were taken because I wanted to be honest and in my heart of hearts I thought that it was the right thing to do. I’ve been asked countless times since, from people who have heard my story, if I could have kept it a secret and played so that I could have gotten paid etc - but my choices were made the way they were because for some reason there was a part of me that believed I would be treated fairly and everything would work out right. Sadly, that didn’t end up being the case. When we talk about celebrating women and supporting women and having things be different for our future generations - it’s stories like mine which I hope will be completely eradicated.

My story went a little something like this: I find out that I’m pregnant on a Sunday morning. It’s a day off of training. I call my agent to tell him the news and he tells me we need to tell the club, my president, ASAP. In the 24 hour period of time from me finding out, I’ve told my agent, my staff and the society of the club. I feel like I’m doing the right thing because I’m being honest and open with them, but the truth is that inside of me everything feels so wrong. I had barely had time to settle the news within myself - let alone have it spreading already throughout this volleyball circle. Basically what happens next creates a storm of turmoil throughout my entire being, one that’s taken me months to process and work through and let go of. I’m told at this point that I have 24 hours to talk to my family and then the club has to release a statement announcing what is going on. The reason is because 1. I’ve missed a day of practice and everyone thinks I have Covid and 2. They believe it will be best if the announcement comes from them so that they can express their support of me and my new reality. So here I am, just a matter of hours post finding out that I’m 6 weeks pregnant - and now the entire volleyball community knows. News travels fast in our small circle around the globe. Because of Covid, Riley or any family for that matter, couldn’t come - there’s no way to travel into Italy at the time without a visa and the visa process has been completely backed up for months. 

The next few days are a whirlwind. Countless requests for interviews, messages pouring in - all the while I’m trying to find a way to be able to stay and compete and keep my contract in the midst of a pandemic in a country that doesn’t seem to think that playing is in my best interest due to the risk of miscarrying the baby. As all of this is going on there’s a sort of uprising happening on social media. Apparently there are voices speaking up saying I am unprofessional and have done something terribly wrong and that it’s “so bad that I have done this to the club”. Once this started there’s a fight that breaks out. Other female athletes in Italy start speaking up on my behalf, they call these other individuals out - it’s a mess. I’m so grateful to these women, so thankful that there’s someone who has the courage to stand up for me in the moment. To me, at that time, I had no mental capacity to respond. No space to consider these other opinions. I was still just trying to process the fact that I was pregnant, in a foreign country, alone. The “right path” for where to walk and how to navigate was full of obstacles and obstructions.

I was fortunate that my teammates had my back and the President of my club stood up for me and expressed his support of me. Although my situation seemed awful at the time, I know it could have been much much worse. As much as I felt grateful to them, I still felt like things were wrong. I remember I kept thinking there has to be a better way to handle all of this - it is in fact my body - my life - this is my story. 

When I found out my contract would be cancelled and I wouldn’t even be paid for the weeks I had trained and competed so far, I felt absolutely defeated. I felt like I was being punished for something that most would say is the greatest gift we can possibly be given. 

It was tough, it’s been tough. To be a woman in our world today - there’s still a fight for equality that’s being fought. There’s still so much to be done to make the obvious importance of protecting women and their bodies a priority, an actual priority.

Since going through this experience and seeing the world from an entirely new perspective - I have an ever increasing admiration and respect inside of me for the women athletes that balance the act of life/career and the role of motherhood. I see organizations like &Mother doing everything they can to bridge the gap that limits a woman’s choice of being both a mom and having a career. Co-founder and friend of mine Alysia Montaño is paving a new way…she’s one of the strongest and most admirable women I know. The other day I saw a recent brand Togethxr released that’s advocating for women and encouraging our voices to be heard - this is the kind of stuff we need.

Without women - our human race STOPS.

It cannot thrive, it cannot grow, it simply cannot exist. 

Until we see women with the same kind of worth we see our counterpart - living will not make complete sense to me.

I stand for the women who have come before me. 

And those that have stood with me.

And our future generations that hopefully will not endure what we have thus far. 

Unfortunately there’s still a ways to go. Those in power, at the top, they need to see that advocating for women and for our children is of utmost importance. They need to see that there’s a better way to support us and show us that this process of conceiving and bringing new life to earth is important, that it is not a burden or something to be ashamed of. We have to have a fair shot. An equal chance. There has to be a better way. 

Thank you for reading my story. 

I have this dream vision of returning back to the court. With my child in the stands watching me, witnessing a mom and a woman who continued to pursue her passion despite the odds or the hardship. I know it’s possible for me because I’ve seen the examples set by the women around me. Women are so powerful. Being supported by such empowering human beings is a true gift.

Here’s to women.

Yesterday. Today. And every day.