picking up the pen
It’s been a strange time for me lately, where writing wasn’t coming naturally and I was feeling a bit disconnected from myself. Normally writing totally calms me and brings me peace and it lightens my world, but the past few weeks it was just feeling heavy and confusing and truthfully- I began avoiding it. I even started questioning whether having this blog is something I want to continue and if the things I write about are even worthy of sharing. All of the questions and uncertainty was making it hard for me to pick up the pen…
I look around me and I see a lot of things happening. New babies born into the world, professional indoor volleyball leagues are being played in the US for the first time, athletes are training with hopes of an Olympic Games in a few months time…and then I see stories of devastation and families struggling with loss and job changes and body pains and the general uncertainty with where Covid-19 is taking us.
One thing I’ve been very aware of lately, and it’s something others have shared with me too, is this feeling of disconnection. I thought that a lot of it was stemming from pregnancy hormones and the fact that nothing feels totally normal in this process as I navigate new doctors every visit and not having Riley with me when I go in for check ups, but actually I think the feeling started earlier. Where is this strange feeling actually stemming from? Well, for starters I am a big-time hugger, I love physical connection, I love to be near and to touch and to connect. I’m also a major observer and when I talk to another person I love to see facial expression and stare intently at another when they talk to me so that I can completely feel the state they’re coming from. So maybe it’s the changes Covid has brought to us that’s made me feel this way. I don’t hug people anymore - if I do it’s rare and quick and sometimes awkward, and unless I’m at home or in a home or with people whom I feel super comfortable around - I rarely have conversations without a mask on. These differences in my reality have surfaced a sort of coldness that feels less than ideal to me. I feel like the normal warmth and depth that comes with human connection has been tampered with. I watch matches played on TV and I realize how much I miss seeing true joy and celebration on the faces of those players and I imagine how hard it must be as an athlete on the court when you can’t see all of what’s going on behind the mask. Let alone the difficulty in catching your breath and breathing throughout long rallies. I sit down in a restaurant and I wonder how hard it is for the waitresses who have to sit behind the mask while trying to work their parts the best they can. I felt so disconnected from myself for awhile that I chalked it down to pregnancy hormones - but I wonder if the world wasn’t facing a global pandemic and there wasn’t so much pain and struggle and suffering around - if I would still feel the way I’ve been feeling. I guess I will not ever have an answer for that wonder, but I know that there are ways I can manage how I’ve been feeling, and lessen the disconnect and with intention practice making things feel better. One of the ways is to connect to myself in a pure and intentional way. To actually take care of my own physical being and my own space. That saying “you need to fill your tank up first” really comes into play here. It matters because the rest of the world is better when you are at your best, and you at your best means taking care of you first. The cool thing about this is that it’s different for everyone. One persons self care can be a hot bath and a book - another’s could be a walk in nature and some music and movement. This is important - to identify our own self-care practice…and then to actually put it to practice! :)
Another option these days for me has been to let myself be totally honest when I don’t feel great. To share the hard stuff as if it’s a totally natural thing to do. Because the hard stuff is just as natural as the good stuff so when we talk about it and naturalize it then we’re on the path to healing it. I’m fortunate I think. I have this great force of people around me that I can count on…they’re like my own little army of support and over the years I think my army has learned that I’m going to share with them pretty much everything that I’m feeling no matter how confusing or ugly or hard it may be to hear. I can’t hide things very easily. I’m lucky that my army of people allows me to be all of myself with no judgement. It really is such a gift.
As I write knowing I will share this in a few hours time I battle that same feeling that surfaced over the last few weeks…why am I even doing this? There are far greater and more important things out there to read and to learn from, I know that. But there’s a small part of me the last couple of days that has remembered how good it feels to connect with those of you here that do read these blogs and find something to take away from them. So I picked up the pen and I wrote…and I can honestly say that I do feel a little bit better now. Baby steps.
A quick update on pregnancy…
I’m 30 weeks. Baby is moving what seems like all of the time, constantly. Baby likes to get into a position where there is constant pressure on my stomach so it’s not the most comfortable of feelings. I’m still playing beach volleyball once or twice a week…although it’s really fun while I’m out there - my body HURTS for the next 24 hours like no other post-playing pain I’ve felt before. I’m doing yoga a few times a week which feels pretty wonderful…and I go to the gym with Riley a couple of times but I can’t say I’m actually “working out” anymore…just kind of doing random things and movements in there…haha My emotions seem to have stabilized and I feel more at ease right now than I had been feeling previously along the ride…I’m finding more and more confidence that I can actually do this and that I’m going to be ok. We’re still working through the process of naming and are just hoping we have a couple of winners before we go to the hospital. Oh yes…despite my desires of having a home birth and doing this the most natural way possible, we will be going to a hospital (mostly to ease Riley’s beautiful mind). :)
I think this is good for today. It’s a nice little jumpstart back into possibly writing more and sharing with you all.
I hope you are doing ok, finding joy in your day, and able to connect in the ways that feel best to you.
Sending my love out into the world this morning.
With love,
Carli