when life happens

There’s this journal entry I wrote back in March. I just found it this morning. It was all about how I was feeling out of whack and uncomfortable because my season was nearing it’s end and summer was right around the corner and I was entirely unsure and unprepared for it. Normally for me summers were pretty “easy”. I knew exactly where I had to be and for how long and that meant I had very little time to plan and think about what I wanted to get done before reporting to the national team gym. Since graduating from Cal and beginning my post-collegiate career of being a pro volleyball player my schedule was the same routine year after year. Train with the national team all summer and then go overseas and join my pro team until April/May and then back to the national team gym again for the summer. It was quite a commitment and quite a ride.

But here I was, just four months ago, in a very different seat. For the first time I would be finishing a season overseas and would not be returning to the States with an agenda…no national team for me…so what the heck was I going to do? I was so used to lots of living out of suitcases, lots of long travel days, lots of putting my mind and body to daily tests year round…what would I do with a free summer? Maybe another human being in my shoes would have been really at ease and calm about all of this newfound freedom…but that wasn’t me. I needed to feel like I had some sense of preparedness.. of control..

So I wrote…with the intention that it would help me ease the anxiety and feel only excitement moving into this new space.

“I know that getting clear on the next few months could possibly help me, so here I am to find some clarity. Once I finish my season I’m going to have a summer free - with no obligations. whoa… this is a big-time first. I can travel with Riley for each of his tournaments, I can visit Juliann and my sister and Meg and Michelle and Kayla. I can go on a retreat - finally. I can volunteer or try out new opportunities. I can find something/someone to invest in. I can do whatever I want really. That’s the truth. What I think would be incredible this summer is to flow. To try new things and move around and experience and connect. To just see what the world has in store for me. I can train on the sand some and maybe play in a qualifier. I’d have to find a partner, how exciting!  I can try out pilates and dance and volunteer at a shelter or work with kids. I want to find centered peace around just being where I am. With no ties or limitations. I want to stay open and free.” 

My attempt was clear. I had laid out all of the possibilities I had within my grasp of “control”. If you don’t see the irony in this already, let me show you. 

This was a glimpse in time when I was feeling overwhelmed and decided to write. To sort of make a list of all of the things I could do that would make my summer feel fulfilling and exciting and opportunistic. A normal step in life, right? To examine my situation and come up with a potential plan to get excited about and calm the senses of chaos in newness. 

Now here I am. Early July. Four months have passed along with the summer I was so eagerly writing for in that journal entry. I’m here looking at that list, at that piece of paper, and I am sort of laughing at that person who sat down all those days ago to try to get her mind right for what was ahead. I was worried about not having the routine I was used to.. the environment I had embraced and been challenged in and grown in for the last nine summers. I was anxious to think of what I would do with all of my free time with no one on the other end reminding me of what my schedule was or where I needed to be and when and how to recover and why and what and and…

Here now…I’m looking at all of this thinking-

Just when I thought things couldn’t get weirder…how could I have a summer more drastic in change than the one before when I chose in a very sudden and unimaginable situation to walk away from my dream and the last 10 years I had committed to it…but wait- it does get weirder. Only this time on a grand scale. covid-19 happens. And every human being on the planet has a pretty damn drastic change of pace.

So I look now at that journal entry… and I look at my “list of exciting opportunity”…and I remember that version of me trying to calm my mind and make sense of what was to come by making a plan. And I’m only able to laugh. I have done one thing on that list. I got myself to Juliann for a week and was able to spend more intimate time with my best friend than I have ever gotten. I got to see her baby boy, I got to love on him. I got to watch her be a mom. I did one of my many listed things. Instead of all of the doing I was preparing myself for.. we stay home more. we move less. we don’t sit in traffic as much. we’ve slowed down. Instead of planning we wait to be told what we can do, when and how we can do it. 

In the end though…here now… just a few weeks away from heading out on my next adventure abroad… I have an entirely different list. A have-done-list! I have created a website. I’ve been writing and sharing more. I’ve met incredible new souls who have added great value to my life. I’ve practiced headstands and found a new sense of appreciation for what my body can do when I ask it and move it to do certain things. I spent three priceless months at home with my family and fell in love all over again with the beautiful property I grew up on. The list goes on…

While grateful for the introduction once again to my “being ness” I’ve let go of the need to plan and to organize and to make sure everything will all turn out perfectly. That’s disintegrated. As it probably should have long ago.

Life is going to happen. Things are going to unfold. Things we may not feel ready for entirely. But it’s all happening anyways…so when we find the ability to be in it and to settle in the space- I feel that that’s when the real growth happens. The growth we’re all looking for somehow. Or maybe I’ve just had a realization that that’s the kind of growth I’ve been in need of, and I’m thankful for this time I’ve had to finally settle into a new norm. Being here right now, writing this, instead of somewhere far off doing something adventurous and check-marking my list is a reminder that whether life is predictable or unpredictable, whether things are the way I thought they would be or things are totally weird and new and tough. life is still good. I’m alive and well and this simple fact is something to be incredibly grateful for.