full-time mom or back to work?

Being a full-time mom has quickly shown itself to be no freaking joke. Time for myself, a moment of silence, a planned day - these things that I used to have that were normal and a simple part of life do not exist any longer in my world.  It’s been hard and heavy and challenging to say the very least. 

I look at other moms that have chosen this role, to be full-time mom, and I have an endless amount of respect and admiration for the courage and energy it takes to make that decision. And parallel to that, I think of the moms that choose the other route and I feel the compassion in my heart rise with the thought of what kind of will that takes to make a decision to leave your baby at home with someone else so that you can continue to pursue your own life’s yearnings. Both of these worlds are hard. Both of these decisions are heavy ones... and I imagine that all of these things weigh heavy on every mom’s heart, not just my own. 

It’s a world of unknowns and of things out of our control when you step into the role of parenthood. Being a mom is absolutely the coolest thing I’ve ever experienced and simultaneously the hardest transition ever. It beats those days I sat in a room and was told “you’re not good enough we’re cutting you”, it beats the pain of gnarly injury, and it beats the day I walked away from the National team and my dreams I had yet to realize. In my lifetime I have faced adversity on an array of levels, but being a mom is like nothing I’ve faced before. 

I find myself sitting in my own thoughts far too often, reflecting on the decisions I need to make and how tough it is to DECIDE what is best for myself. Because now, I’m not only deciding things for me, but my decisions directly affect this little one too. 

I haven’t had the time to write like before because her naps are only 30 minutes long and in those 30 minutes I am cleaning the kitchen or changing the laundry or paying a bill. When I wish I could have more time she shows me that she’s growing and developing faster each day and she needs more and more of my attention. Which is really an incredible thing to witness by the way. 

So guess what? I started writing this one on the toilet this morning. That’s where this blog began. Because alone time is precious, available time is scarce and these mini moments are all I have. 

I love being a mom. Don’t get me wrong.   I love the way my body has adjusted to nourish her growth, I love hearing her find her voice and giggle and talk her baby talk, I love when she nuzzles her face into my shoulder when she’s on the brink of sleep. I love a lot of this. 

But it’s still hard. Some days I think I’m ready for a nanny to come and give me a break...but the next day I don’t feel ready so we decide to wait. Riley gives me as much time as he can but he’s full-time working dad. I watch him and I am so grateful he can provide for us right now so that I can be here for her. But it’s still hard. 

And one day I hope I’ll be able to sit down with my daughter and help her through the transition of “her life for herself” to “her life for her family”. I hope my adventure in this and the lessons I’ve been learning will help her with her journey when the time comes.

So here I am... slowly increasing my physical activity, touching a volleyball again, imagining what it would feel like to get back out onto the court with a team. I’m here waiting to see what possibilities arise because playing is something I miss and something I can see myself doing still, but it’s also something I know would take me away from her for long periods of time each day, and that my friends is going to be a hard swap to make. 

So as a mom, I imagine other moms going through something similar and my heart aches for all of us. This is HARD. 

I have had a number of new moms share with me that for our sanity we need time for ourselves and for our own desires…that being a full-time mom is probably harder than getting back into the swing of things within our careers. But that doesn’t mean the process of making these kinds of decisions is easy. 

All this said…I just felt the need to say that I SEE YOU. And I FEEL YOU. And I fully understand what the challenge of making choices has morphed into once a baby is born into your world. 

We all have different ways to cope with this. Some of us have partners that can balance us for awhile…some of us have family close by and lots of support…some of us have to give in to the ridiculous cost of childcare early-on. We all have to manage this in our own time and in our own way. My way hasn’t been seamless and I’ve learned that continuously letting go of the idea of what is “normal” or “the right way” is extremely helpful. I remind myself to trust in how life is unfolding and to be grateful for the things we do have instead of spending all of that time obsessing over what should be or could be.

Thank you for being here with me today. When we share in our struggles and believe in greater good we’re onto something. 

Much love,

Carli