finding the answers in love

In a journal entry five months ago I had asked myself a few questions. I was on an airplane somewhere over the Atlantic flying to my professional team after a short visit home for the holidays. One of the questions I asked myself was Which choice would you make if it were backed, or fronted, by pure love? My answer: I would commit to me this year. To the truest version of myself, whatever that looks like to anyone else doesn’t matter. 

The answer came from a place of pain mixed with a deep seated desire for something more. Looking back on that memory I know it was one of those moments that led me to this seat right now. The emotional and mental state that I’m in right now reflects that question, that momentary glimpse of love and attention I was offering myself. 

In that journal entry I went on to consider questions like What do I love? And Why do I love it?

I recognized that I am the one living my life so when I choose a decision that is disappointing to myself then that is probably not the decision I should be making. When I made decisions considering what other people wanted I wasn’t allowing myself to stand fully in my own power and my truth.

So making decisions with the backbone of love for myself was a new and intriguing avenue.

I wrote about needing to let go. To let go of the need to please and fulfill every other expectation out there. Because seriously….I tried for years and had the blinding misconception running my days that if I tried to be perfect for others I could and would succeed. That is a bunch of crap.

Instead of trying to please others, I needed to take a good look at what my inner self wanted. I needed to allow. When I asked myself what I would do if I were to choose something in the spirit of love, I was led to honoring a creative outlet outside of volleyball, off of the court. I could write and share and connect with people. It may have taken me months to get here…but I am here and it feels really really good. Things like uncertainty, creeping thoughts of doubt, comparisons, and heaviness from the past weighed on my ability to create this space. Those feelings were stemming from a place of fear instead of the place of love that I’m longing for. Overcoming those concerns feels liberating and wildly expansive.

Having chosen love, having chosen myself, I’m here now. Feeling bright eyed and excited and anxious in a whole new way. I feel free.

I encourage you to try something similar. 

Bring to mind a situation you’re struggling with or you need to make a decision on. What are your choices? If you were to choose the choice that represented love for yourself, which choice would you make?