32
An entry from my birthday:
One of the reasons I love writing is so I can go back in the past and hear myself reflecting on things I was going through at that moment in time.
Today I took five minutes to go back and listen to what I had to say exactly one year ago…on my birthday, the day I turned 31. I sounded different than I sound these days in my head. I sounded wiser than I feel right now…more at peace and even-keeled and maybe even happier.
When I wrote and recorded that blog 365 days ago I wasn’t sure what the year would bring, but I was clear on what I wanted to experience. I wanted more love and grace in my life, I wanted to feel more ease and completely at home in my own skin.
Ironically this past year may have brought with it the most unease I’ve ever felt cumulatively, but it did also bring with it the greatest gift and surprise ever - Storm. So that piece of more love that I wanted - now that I definitely scored.
I find it a little funny that I wanted such perfection and somehow what I went through was nothing that I could have prepared for…because becoming a mom was definitely not a part of my 31st year plan. I can plan and prepare and think I’m in the right spot in life, looking forward feeling super calm and at ease that everything is going to go the way I think it will and then BAM - Surprise - here’s the thing you feel the least prepared for ever! And also the thing that will bring you the coolest feelings and experiences you’ve never imagined. My 31st year was a roller coaster, a legit up and down and twisted experience of feelings that have given me an entirely new and vibrant perspective on life.
Now as I think about this next year - my 32nd - I see that the key may just be to breathe with present awareness and embrace life in a way that will allow me to be ok even when I don’t actually feel that I am. Just knowing that I’m alive and I’m gifted another day to experience this world is actually enough. The seeker and the go-getter in me had a hard time my 31st year. Many days I spent judging what I hadn’t accomplished or what I “should be doing”. The past year was A LOT for my brain to process. The most beautiful days of my life and some of the hardest too. What I now understand more clearly is that I will never arrive in a place where I will be forever - I will change, and grow, and hurt and I will learn and live every moment in a new way. When I think I have it all figured out I will lose it and when I’m at my all-time low I will likely rise higher than I was before. That’s the beauty of life, right? The constant change.
Each year that we make it around the sun we’re celebrated because celebrating life is what we should be doing every day. Getting older means we’re still alive. Getting older means we get to experience more and become wiser and learn from our mistakes and explore what brings the most joy to our hearts.
This year is different than any other for me. It’s the beginning of the segment of my life where mom will be the biggest part of my existence. I’m looking forward - no, I’m excitedly thinking about the goodness this year might bring with this new role I’ve stepped into. I know I’m fortunate to be where I am today - this life I live is brilliant and beautiful and full of good things. Unfortunately I haven’t quite mastered how to stay reminded of these good things every moment of every day… some days I fall short and spend more time thinking about what’s hard or not perfect than I do focused on what I actually have that is wonderful. I’m still learning though and I know that I’m not alone in that. All of us are.
I hope to be here more this year. What do I mean by that? I plan to feel less of the hard feelings and more of the good ones. I plan to live less in the past or in the future but instead more here in the present. Once again.. I’m here planning and hoping and looking forward to good things…but what’s coming could quite literally be nothing that I’ve prepared for. And hey - I guess I’m here to say I welcome that. I’ll do my best to be better this year than I was the last. <3