where we are now
There’s a progression here.
If you look at my face and also at my body you will see it. If you look a little deeper into what was being processed under the surface of my scalp this is what you’ll find… A year of so many differing emotions, handfuls of inner turmoil and overwhelm, glimpses of glee and peace, numerous occasions of excitement and a whole bunch of feelings of unknown.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a family member about my blog and he made a super insightful point: that although I share vulnerability and pain and self-doubt in my writings that isn’t what he deems “me” when I cross his mind and thoughts throughout the day.
Some of the times I sit down to write I am so deep in that moment of feeling that I don’t wonder how it will truly be interpreted by others - I’m just sharing where I am in that moment and reflecting my own thoughts out onto paper. The vulnerability feels deep and profound and poignant, I share it because I hope it can help somehow.
When I look at these four photos I see with such clarity what I was feeling/am feeling at each stage of this journey. The first picture taken three months into my pregnancy there is no smile. I remember that time so vividly…the nausea and the fear of my life without playing volleyball. Then the next…a slight smile - the nausea had passed, my body was allowing me to be more active and was showing me sweet physical signs of the little person growing inside me. The third picture - a giant belly and a giant smile…just days before we got to meet our little girl. I see more love in this one than the last. And then the final - a moment of pure joy. She’s here. I’m here. Life is good.
This photo progression makes me remember that moments are fleeting. Those time periods represented in each of these snapshots are an accumulation of moments and the moments with the greatest amount of feeling involved are the ones I remember most.
Its been a full year since I found out I was pregnant. Its been an entire circle around the sun filled with SO MUCH NEW.
After that brief conversation with my loved one I have come to understand that I get to constantly create myself and my reality in this life. All of us do.
Whether we are trying to conceive, or are 6 months along, or in the middle of a breakup or meeting someone for the first time that could be an addition for a lifetime…every moment is wonderfully full of possibility.
I hold my daughter every day and I wonder how I could have felt so lost and low just those few months ago.
I look at her smile and I legitimately ask the universe how I got so damn lucky.
Snapshots.
Pictures do this for us. They take us back, they allow us to reflect and they may even ignite new meaning.
This reflection is a gift today. To say I’m grateful for Riley’s talent in taking snapshots of our life and adding an ounce more joy to my experience doesn’t seem to relay the importance enough.
I look back and I SEE so much.
It makes me look forward with extra profound energy and gusto.
This blog is a reminder that moments are fleeting and also incredibly powerful. They set our feet up in a direction and give us the choice to walk or run or grimace or smile.
Where we are now is a glimpse into where we’re heading <3