here we are

I’m feeling inspired to write today. I miss writing and sharing and connecting with others in the process. Writing is one of the most friendly ways I know to work through my thoughts and feelings.

Today we’re here in a space of tiredness, confusion, excitement, sleep deprivation, slowness, and joy. I’m a mom now. Every day I wake up I know I have been given or that I’ve received the greatest gift life could give me. Thus far, life as I’ve experienced it - this is the coolest, most fulfilling, most enlivening, most beautiful thing I’ve known. There are days I feel like I’m failing, there are moments I completely break and tears pour from my eyes…but then there are the moments she sleeps and I just look at her and in that moment nothing else seems to be.

The beautiful moments outweigh the hard ones, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel those hard ones to my core. And then I remind myself that every first-time-mom must feel this way and I wipe my tears and take one baby step forward.

The things I love most so far are the times she lays on Riley’s chest in complete relaxation, comfort, and trust. I look at her and my heart swells with so much love and then I look at him looking at her and it overflows. There’s something especially magical in those moments, something I can’t explain. It’s an essence of living that makes me feel more joy and love and gratitude all blended into one giant overwhelming sensation of goodness. She’s completely turned our word right side up. 

Then there are the moments I watch her waking up. She wakes up just like her dad does. It’s this long, drawn out, dramatic process consisting of eyes opening a little and then shutting, of yawns and stretches and wiggles here and wiggles there, of grunts and groans and half smiles and pursed lips and rolling eyes and frowns and head shakes. I smile every single time. Every single time she reminds me that she is her father’s daughter. I love watching her grow and seeing her ways of communicating with us change. As hard as it is to hear her cry more I know in my heart she’s finding new ways to express what she needs from us. As tired as I am after being up with her most of the night, I know it’s temporary and all parents go through it. 

When I had my three week postpartum visit and my midwife recommended I lay low for a bit longer and to not push it to get back to exercising - I felt like I had missed the mark somehow. That I shouldn’t still be bleeding, that my diastasis recti shouldn’t be this bad, that my belly should be further healed at this point…it took me a moment to let go and forgive myself for the unnecessary pressure. Every pregnancy story is different. Every birthing story is different. The fact that I am where I am right now makes my story and my journey uniquely mine. There’s no need to try to make it something it isn’t.

I’m learning the tough way that if I don’t hydrate enough I don’t produce the amount of milk I need as easily and if I don’t eat with good mindful awareness both Storm and I will suffer the consequences from it. 

I’m learning from Riley that balancing work and parenthood is possible and that it’s hard. There’s a lot that goes into doing each well and I am in absolute awe of his dedication to mastering both. I can’t believe my love for him can grow on a daily basis still…but somehow it’s still happening, somehow it grows and it grows and it continues to grow. 

Every day there’s a point that I find myself worried that I’m doing something wrong…and every day I have to remind myself that there’s no manual to follow on how to live or to parent perfectly. It’s an impossible set of tasks. So when I find myself there I give myself a few moments and then I let it pass. I let myself be much less than perfect, I let that be my reality with a daily reminder that making mistakes and learning from them is a very good thing these days. 

Before Storm came into my world I had heard of all the things only a parent could understand…but I didn’t really get it. The love for your child. The fears. The sleepless nights. The trying and failing and learning and struggling and growing and changing. The affects all of it can have on your relationship. 

Now that I’m here, in it, I see it all with a new set of eyes. I feel like I’m mostly in awe of this experience. Mostly I feel so fortunate that I don’t know how to verbalize what I’m experiencing. 

Life is a gift. Every day I get to experience the world in a new moment. I get to watch Storm grow a little more, make a new sound, look at me with a slight increase of understanding and recognition. 

This new journey of being a mom is the coolest thing I have felt, it’s the most precious part of my story. 

I have a newfound appreciation for life. For the amazing thing our humaneness is capable of. I have a newfound love that I didn’t know existed.

This journal entry today was a period of time I allowed myself to simply write all of the things that brew in me each day. In a space of no judgement. Storm is napping, Riley is working, and I am here. writing. Wondering what the rest of my day will look like as this little human being continues to open my eyes up wider with each passing encounter.

So…this is where I stop today. With a slight smile on my lips as I know I just wrote with my brain running on low capacity, after a long night and a period of complicated days.

Here we are.

Totally ready to continue this unpredictable, tiring, exciting and magical ride of motherhood <3