greater than friendship

I’ve pondered over the week what it is I want to share come Tuesday. Something about pregnancy, about this journey. Something exciting maybe, or a story of some sort. For inspiration I went back to read some past journals and I came across something that I completely forgot I had written. It was back in June when I had traveled to visit my best friend. She had given birth to her first baby four months prior and I hadn’t been able to visit them yet. During the trip and the visit, I wrote about her, about us, and about how beautiful the whole experience was. It was barely two months after I had written this that I took a test in Italy and found out that I was expecting. Something I wasn’t prepared for nor had been planning for. Over these last six months, since finding out I’m pregnant, she’s been right here by my side every step of the way - literally showing me the way. Sharing this blog with all of you is with hopes that you remember to invest in your loved ones and that when you find a friend who encourages you to grow and to be better and to be honest and to be true to you, that you never ever let it go. Here’s a glimpse of our story…

Imagine you’re fifteen again, walking into a gym for a tryout for a team that you badly want to be a part of…and meeting another person that is mirroring your passion and excitement and dedication. She’s radiating. She’s nervous but equally as confident. You feel like you just met the person you were wanting to be.

We met because of volleyball. Once again…it’s volleyball that did it. Without this sport- I wouldn’t have met my best friend, my soul sister. I call her that because it feels like that. Like a deeper connection than what we call a friend. She’s someone who looks at me, who sees me - truly sees me and she allows every single part of me to show up. She encourages my entirety wholeheartedly. She’s my mirror. She shows me where I am, where I’ve been, where I can go and all that I’m capable of. 

Juliann and I met when we were fifteen years old. We were both two sport athletes. Track and field and volleyball. We competed against one another in both, but our sophomore years in high school we tried out for the same club team. When we met, the story was already being written. She inspired me, she pushed me, she encouraged me, she literally brought me to my best. Every day. I got to be her setter, her confidant, her shoulder and ear and heart. I had the privilege of knowing her beyond the levels I had previously experienced with another human being. Juliann and I grew up together. We may have attended different Universities and only seen one another a handful of times in those four years…but our connection still grew. Even without the intention or daily awareness, she was the person I knew to continue counting on. It’s funny…people would sometimes show true surprise when I would say this was my very best friend - we were never around each other. Never attended the same school, didn’t have the same hobbies - how were we so damn close? Great question. The answer, the response, is one I don’t have good words for. It just is this way. It always was.

After college J and I finally had the opportunity to live and play and experience all of life in the same space. We moved to Busto Arsizio, Italy where we had signed contracts with the same professional club team. We had an opportunity that not a lot of people get to experience…it’s one of our greatest memories together. She’s been there for me through some of my darkest times, my lowest times. Through injury, through loss, through depression and big life changes. She patiently stood by me and sat with me and looked at me and showed me towards the light again and again. She’s gotten me through moments I didn’t know how to navigate on my own. The thing about J is that she has the space around her to allow all of me to be in…I don’t have to hide something or watch my words or wonder or worry. I know that she will see me, truly see me, and we will still be just as strong and just as close. Even with all of my weakness and doubt and struggle and pain… she’s going to sustain me and be there. It’s one of the most magical feelings in the world. Sometimes I think of Brene Brown and her quote on how we are all here because of connection. We are all beings of love and belonging. Brene encourages us to be vulnerable and to show up to life fully…maybe that’s what I feel when I’m with J. This feeling of fullness and purity and Oneness. Sometimes I feel like we’re two separate bodies but we share the same everything else. I really don’t know how better to explain it. She makes me feel whole and complete and me. 

Being here, in her home these last few days has been unreal. Since the last time I saw her, one year ago in Brazil…she has since become pregnant and birthed another human being. It’s been the strangest experience for me to see her go through this cycle. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had other close, very close, dear people in my life give birth and it’s been incredible and special to see…but with J something has felt entirely different each step of the way. It’s felt so Surreal. Out of this world. It’s been truly overwhelming to see this unfold. So now I’m here and I actually get to hug her and to hold this little being she created. I get to give myself the space to let it all settle in…and let me tell you- its been one of the absolute coolest experiences of my life to see her nurture this little beings life. Their bond and connection is one I’d imagine every new mom has…one that is pure and real and raw and all-consuming. When I watch her do her thing it brings so much joy to my heart. It brings me fully present. So here. So engaged in life in this exact moment. I imagine she feels that x1000…I watch her look at him and I see her place in the world. I see her more grounded than I’ve ever seen her. More peaceful than I’ve ever seen her. More purposeful than I’ve ever seen her. I’m learning more from her now as a mother and wife than I knew was possible to learn from another person. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real…sometimes it feels alienesque…but then I know deep into my bones and my being that she is here as my guide. She’s the mirror mother I will learn from and rely upon as I navigate that phase of life. She will guide me…just as she’s done the last sixteen years of our journeys. The gratitude I have for her and feel towards her is insurmountable. It’s greater than great. When I process something and need to be told of my impatience or my place of wrong- she shows up in the most graceful way. She communicates to me in a way of comfort and encouragement. Of true elegance. She shows me when I’m wrong and when she does I get excited about the possibilities for growth and expansion. I have so many things I can share about Juliann…so many stories and connections and up-levels that we’ve experienced together. I wish everyone could have one of her.

After I read this from the space I’m in now, I found it pretty bizarre that I’m currently entering my third trimester of pregnancy and that Juliann has indeed walked me through the last six months. Being on this journey and having her to count on has eased my mind more times than I can count on all of my extremities. I’m beyond grateful.

If you have a friend who shows up for you and guides you and accepts you and seeks you and admires you and encourages you…then I just want to express how much joy I have for you…because I know how unique it is and how life changing it can be. Thank you for reading about us. If this doesn’t inspire you to invest in your relationships I don’t know what could…because having a connection like this is one of the greatest gifts this life can give us. I have a feeling Brene Brown would agree. Thank you, Juliann. For showing me myself and for showing me yourself and for nourishing us the way you do. It’s more than I could have ever hoped for.