dear volleyball

I had a heavy thought yesterday…about how much I miss playing you. It felt right to sit down and try to write it out…

So here I am five and half months into my pregnancy and yes I have been playing…I’ve touched the ball at least a couple times a week. On the beach. Different sport, different ball, different court. Differences and all - it’s truly brought me the feeling of joy that I’ve needed to keep me in a level headed place while missing you, my competing sport that’s been with me the past twenty years of my life. I miss the routine. I miss the physical exertion. I miss the teammate connection. I miss the training growth. I miss the gyms. The energy. The fans and the love for the game vibrating throughout the stands, and onto the court, and up through my entire body into my heart space. I miss the schedule and the consistency it brings. I miss the ease of knowing working hard is the best way and feeling my body exert a ton of energy to get better, to build more and to improve. I miss the movement and the flow and the excitement. I miss the all-encompassing fatigue after a hard-fought five-set match. Gosh do I miss it all.

Volleyball, you’ve been a great companion. Introduced me to my closest friends. Taken me all over the world. Given me the opportunity to see more. I don’t feel lost without you…I feel ok - but I sure do miss you. There’s a big part of me that doesn’t feel like my time competing is over with. There’s this part of me that longs for another season overseas. Another new city and new apartment and new coach and teammates. New challenges. New goals. That part of me aches a little when I imagine not going back. But then I remember what possibilities this pregnancy and this baby bring, and I have to remind myself that it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

I remember back to the time I walked away from the national team. In pain and sadness. In tears. With a hint of anger and a heavy heart and mostly the feeling of hurt. But then I remember how I focused on the gift I still had to continue playing overseas volleyball to get me through some parts of the pain. I remember how that helped me to heal the hurt. Some of the hurt, not all of it. The process has been long and in a way I think there’s still some things working themselves out. Since then it’s been a whirlwind watching how life unfolds. With seasons stopped short and fans banned and pandemics enduring and Olympics postponed. So many things I didn’t see coming at all have surfaced and altered life paths across the globe. With all that I know now that expecting a smooth, predictable transition into anything at all in the future would be slightly foolish of me. There’s excitement in that though. I’ve learned to allow the spontaneity of life to please me more instead of shake me. Riley’s helped me with that.

So here I am…unknowing of whether I’ll be on the court in an overseas gym again…unknowing of if I’ll play - and feeling that ache more often than not. This time…it also makes me see how beautiful my opportunities were. The teammates, the countries, the growth, the coaches, the cultures - things I won’t ever forget.

I miss you, volleyball. I miss setting my attackers and working on being deceptive and celebrating my teammates kicking a** and late-night dinners with Uncle after matches. I miss those texts from my mom telling me how watching me play brings her great joy. I miss reflecting on practices and thinking about all of the things I still want to get better at. 

If you’re an athlete and you’re reading this still I’m sure you can relate. Our sports are such an incredible piece of our lives. If you’re still playing and competing - I smile for you. Literally.

If you’re like me and you’re reminiscing with some ache in your heart - I’m sending you a hug filled with understanding. 

There’s this deep place in my heart that feels my time with you is not over yet…but that’s today’s feeling - who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I have so much love for you, volleyball

thank you

Carli